A close proximity to nature.

Mother nature... That BITCH. She is stressing me out.

I don't even know where to start. She's got me in such a tizzy today, with her sad state of affairs. All around, homegirl has got to get it together.

First of all, lets talk birds. I automatically judge people who keep them as house pets (they are annoying, people), but that's not what I'm getting at. I live at a marina. Boats, the sea, and birds.

Editor's note/disclaimer: I am beginning to suspect that the water tanks on this vessel are contaminated, so I'm staying hydrated with wine.

Birds run this place, especially the Canadian Geese. And one question burns a hole through my brain every time I see one of these beautiful creatures.

"WHY AREN'T YOU FOOD???"

Don't they look delicious??! They are bigger than a chicken, yet smaller than a turkey. They have bulbous torsos. They have long necks suitable for whacking with a clever. They should be food.

And yet, they walk among us freely, unscathed, like fucking house pets. Or at least they do around this marina. They outnumber us 10 to 1. It only takes one Canadian Geese to get its beak on a copy of The Communist Manifesto and we'll have an inescapable, sure-as-death water fowl uprising that will threaten our American way of life.

And I really think they would pair exceptionally well with a blackberry reduction and an arugula salad.

Despite my mouth which is literally watering, I must admit that I had a moment with a goose today that almost made me reconsider my relationship with poultry. I was sitting on the dock with that sexy dude I hang around, enjoying some aged guerre and the yuppy Whole Foods version of triscuits, when a goose who we will call Ms. Patches Alaska paddled up to me with her mouth open. Like, seriously, bitch had her mouth open like, "I know that shit is GOOD, gimme some or I'll poop on your boat."

And what can I say, an attitude like that I must respect. So sexy dude gave her a triscuit. And she stuck around for a while. She made noises that I can only assume mean "Thanks very much for the triscuit" and did funny things for us like groom herself and attempt to bite my toe.

10 triscuits and 30 minutes later, I realized two things. 1) I was hanging out with a goose, and enjoying it. 2) I no longer wanted to roast her for 4 hours at 300 degrees, basting every 30 minutes.

So here is my question for mother nature: Why can't the animals I want to eat be total dicks all of the time? For what sick purpose would you make food charismatic?!

And that's just one example of mother nature giving me the sadsies. Want another?

I know, you're sick of hearing about it, so I'll spell it: G-U-L-F O-I-L S-P-I-L-L. Toxic crap basically erasing portions of the earth that we live on, because somehow capital gain surpassed humans on the food chain.

I live on the water, and so do a lot of people. When I look around and see the thriving ecosystem that I am a part of - including its overly friendly geese - and I imagine it soaked in crude, it's painfully clear to me that the problem in the gulf isn't just some tree-hugger bullshit that belongs on the fringe of our collective conscience. It's a place destroyed, through means more politically tolerable than nukes but just as difficult to reverse. This is a historical moment that, for me, tinged the definition of "human."

Now that you are likely thoroughly depressed, I recommend you bury your sorrows in the insanely delicious meal I just finished devouring. Trust me, nothing assuages guilt like...

WHITE WINE MUSTARD PAN SEARED ARCTIC CHAR WITH SEA SCALLOPS AND ASPARAGUS!

Wipe your tears, Hulu the latest episode of Glee, and cook this:

White wine mustard pan seared arctic char

Heat butter or olive oil in a pan. Place arctic char (or salmon) skin-side down. Cover and cook on medium for about 5 minutes. Salt-and-pepper top of fillet, then slather with a grainy white-wine mustard (if you can't find such a thing at your grocery store, use a grainy mustard and add a little white wine). Flip the fillet and cook on high for about 2 minutes to brown. Use a fork to separate fish skin from fish, then flip again and cook on high for about 2 minutes to brown.

Sea scallops

Saute chopped garlic in butter, then add scallops. Cook on medium-high on each side for about 3 minutes. Season with salt, pepper, and thyme towards the end of the cooking process.


Garnish everything with a big squeeze of lemon and a spoonful of capers.


Enjoy!